Tuesday, September 04, 2007
i don't understand why i let her affect me. or is it him. i don't even know her, but she's living this 'relationship' for me while i'm living in her shadow. just the walk by, or the stop at. it has all been some time ago, but then i can see and feel it in his eyes, for that one more glimpse of her. and when i think about it, i feel like a complete joke. who am i to be compared to her? she's an awful lot pretty, she's an awful lot smart. and she attracted him. she made him fall in love with her. she's stolen so much of him, if not all of him. maybe that explains the friends, the views, the quiet judgements. so the past will just remain the past, but it is part of who we are today. sometimes when he talks of her, the look in his eyes tells him off. sometimes when he talks of her, i do feel like walking out. the part of his world that i can never enter, the part of his world which is so perfect without any blemishes, the part where if i stepped in at all, i would ruin. i based all my feelings without knowing why. if i put it in an awful childish way, i could say she stole my 'elephant'. if it was even understood. the way he speaks of her, i can't even feel like i hate her. she's really so perfect, she really is. that even i, no matter how jealous i am of her, i can't even say anything mean about or to her. she is that perfect that i would willingly give way for her, to the point where i wouldn't even step in to interfere because i'd have felt no right to. i'm letting it all in, i'm letting it all go over me. they say jealousy is a 'green-eyed monster'. but in this case now, jealousy happens to be a dark spot lying in a dark corner, slowly vanishing as each light appears, and appearing again when that light disappears. i could never have it all. that smile which he has, belongs to her. the laugh that he has, could be so similar to mine, but it also belongs to her. and his heart, and mind, they all belong to her. i'm standing at a side watching this affair pass me by. but i have an absolute no right to do anything about it. what a perfect picture, what a perfect story. they say fairy tales never come true, but this is one which could last. because even the bad guys have been mesmerised by her. i wanted to be just like her. but that was just wishful thinking on my part.
- everything's just temporary;
9:38 PM
